Scene: The kitchen of a busy restaurant. Pots are steaming on a Viking Range, all manner of dogs are scurrying about, some dressed as waiters, some as cooks and busboys. Pots and pans hang from the ceiling, a pall of cigarette smoke hangs in the air, ’House of the Rising Sun’ blares on the kitchen sound system.
Mitch: (in a chef’s hat) Will somebody get these chihuahuas out of here!
Rosie: What are you guys doing in here? You’re supposed to be bussing tables–Shoo! Shoo!
SFX: (Ringing phone)
Rosie: Hello, Bone Appetit.
Mitch: Give me that…Bone Appetit, how can I help you?
Caller: Was that your dog? I heard a dog barking into the phone.
Mitch: That was Rosie, what do you need? (Shouting) Will somebody turn down the cat’s head soup?
Tony the Bulldog: Got it, got it!
Mitch: Simmer means simmer for Pete’s sake! I’m sorry, what?
Caller: I need to make a reservation for my three dogs tonight at nine. Snowball?
Mitch: You’re good. Somebody got that? Snowball? Three at nine?
Gigi the Poodle: Got ‘em, and that’s it, no more reservations! We’re booked solid!
SFX: (Dogs howling and barking)
Mitch: All right, all right, enough celebration. We’ve got a job to do.
Irish Setter Waiter: Mitch! Somebody sent their water bowl back!
Mitch: What, is it dirty?
Setter: No, it’s too clean!
Mitch: Sheesh…here, put a bug in it.
Setter: Oh, they’ll love that! And it’s still alive!
Mitch: Charge them an extra 10%. Where’s Rosie?!
Rosie: I’m right behind you. (to a Chihuahua) Clear table seven! And stop eating the scraps!
Mitch: Is there a reason we’re only using chihuahuas as busboys? It seems a little…culturally insensitive.
Rosie: They’re the fastest dogs we’ve got. They’re agile.
Mitch: Right, I’ll explain that to the E.E.O.C.
Hank: Rosie, there’s a Police Dog outside. He says he needs to inspect the premises!
Rosie: Here’s a bag of Jerky Treats–let him inspect some of those.
Hank: (smiling) Will do, boss.
Rosie: The litterbox is empty! I need more cat poop!
Mitch: It’s okay, we’re out of toothpicks anyway.
Rosie: So we’ll re-use the old ones.
Mitch: Is that sanitary? Never mind. Stupid question.
Rosie: I need a cat in the litter box, stat!
Bert the Cat: (Exhausted) We can’t keep up with demand!
Mitch: Those appetizers have been extremely popular.
Rosie: Try harder!
Cat: Fluffy did, and he popped a blood vessel in his eye! We need more fiber!
Beagle Waiter: (Holding out a dish to Mitch) Does this smell right to you?
Mitch: It’s deer entrails. How could it possibly smell right to me?!
Rosie: Whew, does that stink! It’s perfect. Get it out there! I gotta get back to the dining room. Re-use the toothpicks, and have Rex mix a bucket of gin-and-tonic!
Mitch: We haven’t had orders for gin-and-tonic.
Rosie: It’s for me! (disappears into the dining room)
Emcee: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us on opening night here at Bone Appetit. While you’re waiting for your meal, I hope you’ll enjoy a cocktail from the Barkaritaville Bar–and don’t forget to tip Rex, your friendly bartender. Good boy, Rex!
Rex: Woof!
Emcee: And now it gives me great pleasure to introduce, all the way from the Yappy Hour Cafe in New York City, the song stylings of ’Lady.’
(Lady is a faded rose–a greyhound who’s been around the track one too many times. She wears a rhinestone flea collar, and her muzzle needs touching-up. Her scent precedes her arrival, and extends her departure.)
Lady: Danke, Danke, dahlings. Maestro, if you please?
SFX: (the band softly strikes up)
Lady: (singing) Bei mir, bist du schoen…
Tony: Isn’t she great?
Mitch: She’s no Susan Boyle.
(The kitchen door blows open as 15 chihuahuas rush in from the dining room and fly out the back door)
Mitch: What the–
Gigi: (bursts in, out of breath) Vector Control is in the dining room checking tags!
Tony: Those dirty bast–
Mitch: Stop yourself! Everybody be cool!
Hank: (to Mitch) Hey, we got action in the litterbox!
Mitch: I’m on it! (to the cats) Thanks, guys!
(Cats give an exhausted wave)
Beagle Waiter: Rosie! There’s a deer outside! He says he has to see you!
Rosie: Buck? Now? (Rushes to the window) Buck what are you doing here?
Buck: Rosie, I love you!
Rosie: This place is full of wild dogs. If one of them sees you–
Buck: I don’t care!
Rosie: Sheesh! Look, wait over by the valet. I’ll try to get away later.
Buck: I’ll do whatever you ask! I’ll wait as long as I have to!
Rosie: Just beat it, will ya? Jeez!
Gigi: Rosie, what about Vector Control?
Rosie: Mitch, could you–
Mitch: Oh, no. You’re the one in charge, you handle it. Tony, throw me the scooper!
(Rosie enters the dining room. At a table in the back corner sit two men, each wearing the distinctive, black leather trenchcoats of Vector Control. A thin plume of smoke curls from a Chesterfield– tucked into a cigarette holder–that dangles from the lips of the smaller man. His name is Hans. He wears a monocle. He takes the cigarette holder out of his mouth, and addresses Rosie)
Hans: So…you are the one they call…’Rosie.’
Rosie: That’s right. And if you’ll tell me what your problem is, I’m sure we can–
Hans: We don’t have a problem…you have a problem. You have dogs working here who don’t have their tags.
Rosie: I’m shocked, shocked to find unlicensed dogs in this restaurant!
Hans: We have grounds to shut you down.
Rosie: Oh, I don’t think that will be necessary. We can talk about this, can’t we? (calling out to the bar) Rex! Three dirty martinis! Extra dirty!
Rex: Woof!
Hans: Vector Control takes a dim view of this establishment.
Rosie: But you haven’t even tried the food. Could I interest you in some…appetizers?
Hans: Well…I suppose a little taste wouldn’t hurt.
Rosie: Hank! The appetizer tray–for three!
Hank: (smiles) Comin’ up, boss!
(A spotlight shines on the table. The men cover their faces.)
Emcee: There she is, let’s hear it for Rosie, our hostess!
(Barking, howling)
(The spotlight moves on)
Hans: You and your little ‘club’ seem very popular.
Rosie: Dogs are having a good time. Is that so wrong?
Hans: We’ll let a judge decide. You must come with us now.
(Both men start to rise)
(To be continued)
whew! i was not ready for the Grande Opening! what a jolt on a dreary Sunday afternoon. Glad I was *not* there –it’s a bit overwhelming. I cannot imagine chihauhas (or however you spell ‘em) as bus-boys. Or bus-dogs…..it seems incongruous to me. I don’t think they can balance a tray! What about a toy poodle? Did you have a job-interview for this restaurant?? or just take whatever dog wanted a job?? hmmmm. Can’t wait to see what Vector Control decided.
Keep telling yourself, “it’s only a movie.”
M.
OMG…my interest in the next episode of “Bone Appetite” far exceeds “24″ with Jack Bower! This is really intense…love it!
So, Rosie, what other names besides the Bone Appetit did you consider for your restaurant? Mitch said they would be on your blog and I have yet to find them! Certainly enjoyed your conversations though!