In The Bag

Rosie: What are you feeding me?

Mitch: It’s Dog Food.

Rosie: Really? ‘Dog Food?’

Mitch: Do you have to do ‘air quotes?’

Rosie: I mean, really. Dog food. When you go to a restaurant, do you order a bowl of  ‘People Food?’

Mitch: What else would you–

Rosie: “And give me some ‘People Water’ with that.”

Mitch: I agree that there’s no romance in the name, but it doesn’t need to be romanced. It’s just good, basic food for dogs.  Let me show you the label. (gets out dog food bag) This is quality stuff, you’ll see. (reading) Chicken meal–

Rosie: You know what that is? Beaks and toes.

Mitch: (reading) Lamb meal–

Rosie: And there’s even a cute little lamb on the package. Wonder if he knows he’s going to be killed and ground into powder?

Mitch: Stop yourself! Look at this…brown rice, white rice, rice bran, peas, potatoes–

Rosie: Mmmm, vegetarian! Makes me want to toss a frisbee and play hackey-sack!

Mitch: Dried enterococcus faecium fermentation product–

Rosie: Stop. What the hell is that?

Mitch: I think it’s a flavor enhancer.

Rosie: You mean without it, dog food would taste even worse? 

Mitch: How do you get your spoken words to come out in italics?

Rosie: Keep reading.

Mitch: Copper proteinate, manganous oxide–

Rosie: Know what you can do with manganous oxide? Sprinkle it on a damp sponge, and buff your car.

Mitch: Calcium pantothenate–

Rosie: I’d like to see the cow that that calcium came from.

Mitch: Pyroxidine hydrochloride–

Rosie: Wasn’t that outlawed by the Geneva Convention?

Mitch: Okay, look, you’re not going to be satisfied, no matter what’s in it. You’re just looking for something to criticize.

Rosie: I’m looking for something to eat!

Mitch: This has  been tested on dogs! I think they test it on  beagles.

Rosie: (snort) Beagles…

Mitch: What’s wrong with beagles?

Rosie: They’re the ‘Barney Fife’ of the dog world.

Mitch: That’s a subject for a different blog post.

Rosie: Whatever.

Mitch: So if you could choose, what would you eat right now?

Rosie: Something healthy. Something that’s good for me. Something that says ‘quality ingredients, for a higher quality of life.’

Mitch: Such as?

Rosie: A hot dog.

Mitch: ?!?

Rosie: I’d grill it first, of course.

Mitch: (lifting his pinky) But of course.