Stoned

(This is part III of “Who Can Turn the World on…?” Parts I and II appear directly below this post. To recap, Rosie has moved out of Mitch’s house, and into her own apartment–an apartment she shares with a poodle named Audrey. There are cats living upstairs. Just go with it.)

(Rosie and Audrey are smoking a joint in their apartment. Audrey is curled up on a bean bag chair, Rosie is sprawled on the couch. Rosie’s iPod is blasting “I Had Too Much To Dream (Last Night)” by the Electric Prunes. A thin stratum of blue smoke hangs two feet off the floor.)

Audrey: I have so got the munchies.

Rosie: There’s a bag of kibbles in the pantry.

Audrey: Get it!

Rosie: I’m all over it (takes a hit on the joint, but doesn’t move. Both lapse back into silence).

Audrey: This is a great song.

Rosie: Gotta hand it to humans. They make some kick-ass music.

Audrey: And what have we got? Howling.

Rosie: It’s like we’re not even trying.

(the doorbell rings. After a long pause, Rosie answers the door. A cat is standing there.)

Cat: Hey, I live upstairs. Can we borrow a cup of milk?

Rosie: You borrowed a cup of milk 10 minutes ago.

Cat: Right.

Rosie: And you borrowed another, 10 minutes before that.

Cat: And we really appreciate it, but–

Rosie: Beat it! (starts to close the door)

Cat: (puts his paw in the door) Wait! Ah…are you guys blowin’ a stick in there?

Rosie: Are you a narc?  ‘Cause if I ask, you have to tell me. It’s the law.

Cat: I’m not a narc!

Rosie: Okay, come in.

Cat: (enters, looks around furtively) You know, we can smell this upstairs.

Audrey: So what does that make you, drug-sniffing cats?

(Audrey and Rosie start to giggle and can’t stop)

Cat: Okay…

(Audrey and Rosie shake with silent laughter)

Cat: Okay, okay…pull it together.

(they stop, only to start giggling again when they make eye contact with each other)

Cat: Yeah, this is real funny.

Audrey: (wiping her eyes) Oh, like you guys don’t do a doobie now and then.

Cat: Give me that (he hits the joint, French inhales it, then lets it go in a slow, sinuous stream). Jeez, that’ll tighten your wig.

Rosie: Amen to that. So what are you doing down here?

Cat: I told you, we smelled the smoke. (he lays back on the carpet, staring at the ceiling) Man, I could sure go for a mouse, right now.

Audrey: What’s a ‘mouse?’ Oh, you mean an actual  mouse.

Cat: I wouldn’t even play with it. Just…down the hatch.

Rosie: We got kibbles.

Cat: I’ll take ’em.

(nobody moves)

(the joint goes around again)

Cat: This is a great song.

Rosie: Gotta hand it to humans…

Cat: And what have we got? Caterwauling.

(music) I’m not ready to face the light…

Rosie: We should order a pizza.

Cat: A mouse pizza.

(nobody moves)

(music) I had too much to dream last night. I had too much to dream…last night.

(to be continued)

Cats in the Belfrey

(This is part II of “Who Can Turn the World on…?” Part I appears directly below this post. To recap, Rosie has moved out of Mitch’s house, and is moving into her own apartment–an apartment she will share with another dog. There are cats living upstairs. Just go with it.)

Mitch: (enters apartment and looks around–notices a poster of a Great Dane on the wall–approaches it, reads aloud) “What makes a Great Dane great.” Okay, that picture is really inappropriate.

Rosie: Stop being such a prude! What do you want to do, put pants on him?

Mitch: Yes.

Rosie: It’s natural and normal (looks at poster) although I gotta say…

Mitch: Stop yourself. As a male mammal, I feel exploited.

Rosie: Trust me, you’ll never be a poster bo–

(she is interrupted by a knock at the door–a poodle lets herself in)

Audrey: Hi! You must be Rosie. I’m Audrey–we’re gonna be roommates!

(they sniff each other’s backsides)

Mitch: I can’t get used to this.

Rosie: It’s so nice to meet you!  This is Mitch–he’s not staying.

Mitch: It’s nice to meet–

Audrey: I’ve got some things to bring up–my bed, my blanket, some stuffy toys and, oh! I’ve got a gnaw bone that’s to die for!

Rosie: I knew I was going to like you!

Audrey: Did you know there are six cats living upstairs?

Rosie: C’est absurde!

Audrey: Oh, c’est vrai! And one of them is really cute! I don’t know whether I want to marry him, ‘date’ him or kill him!

Rosie: Marry, date, kill! I love that game! Okay, the MGM lion.

Audrey: Marry! Are you kidding?

Rosie: Marry. The tiger from ‘Life of Pi?’

Audrey: ‘Date.’

Rosie: ‘Date.’  How about Cat Stevens?

Audrey: Kill.

Rosie: No-brainer. We’re going to be such good friends!

Mitch: Well, listen, I’d better be getting back.

Rosie: That’s fine, I’ve got all my stuff. (eases Mitch out the door) Be careful driving home! (to Audrey) Girl, where’s that gnaw bone!?

Mitch: (wipes a tear) My little girl is all–

Rosie: (closes the door in Mitch’s face)

Mitch: …grown up.

(to be continued)

Who Can Turn the World on with Her Smile…?

(Note: This is an excerpt from a news story which appeared in USA Today on Monday, Oct. 15)

“Our Companions, an animal rescue orgainzation, is opening a new kind of animal shelter where dogs and cats won’t be crated or caged unless absolutely necessary…the completed facility will have 16 rescue cottages…each cottage will be home to 25 cats and five dogs…the first cottage is open, with three dogs downstairs, and six cats upstairs.”

———————————

Rosie: I want my own apartment.

Mitch: (chokes on his beer, blows it out of his nose)

Rosie: No matter how many times you do that, it’s still funny.

Mitch: (wiping his shirt) I’m glad you think so. You want your own apartment? Why? What’s wrong with living here?

Rosie: Don’t you understand? I need to get out in the world–to prove myself in the big city–I need to be free and independent.

Mitch: You mean like Marlo Thomas, in ‘That Girl?’

Rosie: Or like Mary Tyler Moore, in her eponymously named show.

Mitch: (thinking) Eponymously named?

Rosie: I can see it now…

(Cue ‘Fantasy Sequence’)

(Opening credits of ‘The Mary Tyler Moore Show’, with Rosie in place of Mary)

Who can turn the world on, with her bark? 

Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it into a lark?

Well it’s you, dog, and you should know it,

With each growl, and every little tail wag, you show it,

Cats are all around, why don’t you chase ’em?

Troubles still abound, but you can face ’em,

You’re gonna make it after all!

You’re gonna make it after all!

(Rosie, on a street in downtown Minneapolis, throws her cap in the air)

(End ‘Fantasy Sequence’)

Rosie: Well, that was weird.

Mitch: Yeah. No more fantasy sequences.

Rosie: So I’ve got a place picked out. It was in the newpaper. (Drops the USA Today in Mitch’s lap)

Mitch: (looks over the article) Cottages? Cats living upstairs? Wait a minute…this is no apartment building, it’s an animal shelter.

Rosie: So?

Mitch: When animal shelters get too crowded, they sometimes have to kill some of the residents.

Rosie: Don’t people do that, too?

Mitch: They kill each other, but not for population control!

Rosie: Same, same.

Mitch: It’s not same, same! And no, you can’t move out and live in a dog apartment.

Rosie: If you don’t let me move…

Mitch: What? You’ll throw a tantrum? Tough.

Rosie: I’ll bite you while you’re sleeping.

Mitch: (puts down the newspaper) I’ll help you pack.

(to be continued)

The Biden Effect

Rosie: I went outside and ‘did my business,’ now where’s my f***ing treat?

Mitch: Whoa! What did you say?

Rosie: I said, I went outside and ‘did my business,’ now where’s–

Mitch: I heard what you said! That’s not the kind of language we use around here…when we’re sober.

Rosie: It’s called ‘Being Assertive.’

Mitch: It’s called being a jerk. You’re a better dog than that.

Rosie: Well I was watching Joe Biden in the debate on Wednesday night, and he–

Mitch: Stop yourself! We don’t do politics in the studio, or on this blog.

Rosie: Don’t you want to know from whence I draw my inspiration?

Mitch: (thinking) From whence?

Rosie: I’m not taking any political sides, I’m simply applying the Joe Biden debate philosophy to my everyday life.

Mitch: And what is the Joe Biden debate philosophy?

Rosie: Speak loudly, and carry a big stick. Then speak louder.

Mitch: That’s not even clever.

Rosie: Neither is Joe Biden.

Mitch: And what do you think this new, more assertive posture is going to get you?

Rosie: Well, right now, I’m thinking it will get me a f***ing treat.

Mitch: Stop yourself! Treats are for good dogs, and you’re not being a very good dog right now.

Rosie: Ha! Ha!

Mitch: Now what?

Rosie: That was derisive laughter. I’m showing contempt for your patrician ways. It’s straight from the Joe Biden playbook.

Mitch: This has gone about as far as–

Rosie: You’re gutting Medicare!

Mitch: What? I’m not gutting Medicare!

Rosie: Did you see that? I put you on the defensive. Straight from the Joe Biden playbook.

Mitch: Look, Joe Biden is a politician–a performer. He’s larger than life. You, my friend, are a dog. You can’t live your life like Joe Biden. It’s just not possible.

Rosie: (sigh) Crushed by ‘The Man.’

Mitch: Damn straight. Now go to your bed until you’re ready to behave.

Rosie: I see what’s happening here–you’re waging a War on Women!

Mitch: (puts his face in his hands)

Rosie: Straight from the–

Mitch: I know, I know.

Rosie: I’d smirk, if I had lips.

In The Bag

Rosie: What are you feeding me?

Mitch: It’s Dog Food.

Rosie: Really? ‘Dog Food?’

Mitch: Do you have to do ‘air quotes?’

Rosie: I mean, really. Dog food. When you go to a restaurant, do you order a bowl of  ‘People Food?’

Mitch: What else would you–

Rosie: “And give me some ‘People Water’ with that.”

Mitch: I agree that there’s no romance in the name, but it doesn’t need to be romanced. It’s just good, basic food for dogs.  Let me show you the label. (gets out dog food bag) This is quality stuff, you’ll see. (reading) Chicken meal–

Rosie: You know what that is? Beaks and toes.

Mitch: (reading) Lamb meal–

Rosie: And there’s even a cute little lamb on the package. Wonder if he knows he’s going to be killed and ground into powder?

Mitch: Stop yourself! Look at this…brown rice, white rice, rice bran, peas, potatoes–

Rosie: Mmmm, vegetarian! Makes me want to toss a frisbee and play hackey-sack!

Mitch: Dried enterococcus faecium fermentation product–

Rosie: Stop. What the hell is that?

Mitch: I think it’s a flavor enhancer.

Rosie: You mean without it, dog food would taste even worse? 

Mitch: How do you get your spoken words to come out in italics?

Rosie: Keep reading.

Mitch: Copper proteinate, manganous oxide–

Rosie: Know what you can do with manganous oxide? Sprinkle it on a damp sponge, and buff your car.

Mitch: Calcium pantothenate–

Rosie: I’d like to see the cow that that calcium came from.

Mitch: Pyroxidine hydrochloride–

Rosie: Wasn’t that outlawed by the Geneva Convention?

Mitch: Okay, look, you’re not going to be satisfied, no matter what’s in it. You’re just looking for something to criticize.

Rosie: I’m looking for something to eat!

Mitch: This has  been tested on dogs! I think they test it on  beagles.

Rosie: (snort) Beagles…

Mitch: What’s wrong with beagles?

Rosie: They’re the ‘Barney Fife’ of the dog world.

Mitch: That’s a subject for a different blog post.

Rosie: Whatever.

Mitch: So if you could choose, what would you eat right now?

Rosie: Something healthy. Something that’s good for me. Something that says ‘quality ingredients, for a higher quality of life.’

Mitch: Such as?

Rosie: A hot dog.

Mitch: ?!?

Rosie: I’d grill it first, of course.

Mitch: (lifting his pinky) But of course.

Where Dogs Go

Mitch: (on the phone) Oh, yeah, I’ll go back to Thailand some day. But I’d want to stay a few weeks, and that’s hard on Rosie. I’ll have to wait ’til she’s ‘gone’ before I go again. Yeah, I know…she’s nine-and-a-half. Okay, talk to you later. (Hangs up, turns around, Rosie is standing there)

Rosie: Gone where?

Mitch: What?

Rosie: Where?

Mitch: What?

Rosie: Will you stop!? You said you were going to wait ’til I’m gone. Gone where?

Mitch: Ahhhhh–

Rosie: Too late! You were going to lie, weren’t you?

Mitch: I would never lie to you.

Rosie: So where am I going?

Mitch: We’ve talked about this. When you get really, really old, I’ll take you to the vet, and she’ll give you a shot that makes you young again. Then, you’ll be taken to the Upper Peninsula, where you get to live with all the dog friends you used to know.

Rosie: Like Zoe?

Mitch: Like Zoe. She’s been there since 2006.

Rosie: Is my mom there?

Mitch: I’m sure she’s there, by now. Some day, you’ll have a lot of family to catch up with.

Rosie: But I’m not old!

Mitch: Exactly, which is why I’m not rushing off to Thailand, and you’re not rushing off to the U.P.

Rosie: And you’ll be there, too, right?

Mitch: Not right away. I’ll have things I need to do here, first.

Rosie: So how’s that going to work? Why aren’t you coming up there with me? It kinda sucked when you were in Thailand.

Mitch: Come on! Lisa took very good care of you!

Rosie: I know, but she doesn’t smell like you. She smells like flowers, spices and Jerky Treats.

Mitch: What do I smell like?

Rosie: Guilt, desperation and shame.

Mitch: That’s…that’s nice.

Rosie: It’s an acquired taste. But still, I like having you around.

Mitch: I don’t know why we’re talking about this–it’s years down the road.

Rosie: But when the time comes, and you do come up, how are you going to find me?

Mitch: Oh, I’ll find you. One day, you’ll be out playing with your dog friends, and you’ll hear me call your name.

Rosie: Well…okay…don’t wait too long.

Mitch: I won’t, sweetie.

Rosie: Now what’s the matter?

Mitch: Nothing. My eyes. Must be allergies.

Rosie: Well use a tissue, for Pete’s sake.

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