Rosie: I went outside and ‘did my business,’ now where’s my f***ing treat?
Mitch: Whoa! What did you say?
Rosie: I said, I went outside and ‘did my business,’ now where’s–
Mitch: I heard what you said! That’s not the kind of language we use around here…when we’re sober.
Rosie: It’s called ‘Being Assertive.’
Mitch: It’s called being a jerk. You’re a better dog than that.
Rosie: Well I was watching Joe Biden in the debate on Wednesday night, and he–
Mitch: Stop yourself! We don’t do politics in the studio, or on this blog.
Rosie: Don’t you want to know from whence I draw my inspiration?
Mitch: (thinking) From whence?
Rosie: I’m not taking any political sides, I’m simply applying the Joe Biden debate philosophy to my everyday life.
Mitch: And what is the Joe Biden debate philosophy?
Rosie: Speak loudly, and carry a big stick. Then speak louder.
Mitch: That’s not even clever.
Rosie: Neither is Joe Biden.
Mitch: And what do you think this new, more assertive posture is going to get you?
Rosie: Well, right now, I’m thinking it will get me a f***ing treat.
Mitch: Stop yourself! Treats are for good dogs, and you’re not being a very good dog right now.
Rosie: Ha! Ha!
Mitch: Now what?
Rosie: That was derisive laughter. I’m showing contempt for your patrician ways. It’s straight from the Joe Biden playbook.
Mitch: This has gone about as far as–
Rosie: You’re gutting Medicare!
Mitch: What? I’m not gutting Medicare!
Rosie: Did you see that? I put you on the defensive. Straight from the Joe Biden playbook.
Mitch: Look, Joe Biden is a politician–a performer. He’s larger than life. You, my friend, are a dog. You can’t live your life like Joe Biden. It’s just not possible.
Rosie: (sigh) Crushed by ‘The Man.’
Mitch: Damn straight. Now go to your bed until you’re ready to behave.
Rosie: I see what’s happening here–you’re waging a War on Women!
Mitch: (puts his face in his hands)
Rosie: Straight from the–
Mitch: I know, I know.
Rosie: I’d smirk, if I had lips.
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