Stoned

(This is part III of “Who Can Turn the World on…?” Parts I and II appear directly below this post. To recap, Rosie has moved out of Mitch’s house, and into her own apartment–an apartment she shares with a poodle named Audrey. There are cats living upstairs. Just go with it.)

(Rosie and Audrey are smoking a joint in their apartment. Audrey is curled up on a bean bag chair, Rosie is sprawled on the couch. Rosie’s iPod is blasting “I Had Too Much To Dream (Last Night)” by the Electric Prunes. A thin stratum of blue smoke hangs two feet off the floor.)

Audrey: I have so got the munchies.

Rosie: There’s a bag of kibbles in the pantry.

Audrey: Get it!

Rosie: I’m all over it (takes a hit on the joint, but doesn’t move. Both lapse back into silence).

Audrey: This is a great song.

Rosie: Gotta hand it to humans. They make some kick-ass music.

Audrey: And what have we got? Howling.

Rosie: It’s like we’re not even trying.

(the doorbell rings. After a long pause, Rosie answers the door. A cat is standing there.)

Cat: Hey, I live upstairs. Can we borrow a cup of milk?

Rosie: You borrowed a cup of milk 10 minutes ago.

Cat: Right.

Rosie: And you borrowed another, 10 minutes before that.

Cat: And we really appreciate it, but–

Rosie: Beat it! (starts to close the door)

Cat: (puts his paw in the door) Wait! Ah…are you guys blowin’ a stick in there?

Rosie: Are you a narc?  ‘Cause if I ask, you have to tell me. It’s the law.

Cat: I’m not a narc!

Rosie: Okay, come in.

Cat: (enters, looks around furtively) You know, we can smell this upstairs.

Audrey: So what does that make you, drug-sniffing cats?

(Audrey and Rosie start to giggle and can’t stop)

Cat: Okay…

(Audrey and Rosie shake with silent laughter)

Cat: Okay, okay…pull it together.

(they stop, only to start giggling again when they make eye contact with each other)

Cat: Yeah, this is real funny.

Audrey: (wiping her eyes) Oh, like you guys don’t do a doobie now and then.

Cat: Give me that (he hits the joint, French inhales it, then lets it go in a slow, sinuous stream). Jeez, that’ll tighten your wig.

Rosie: Amen to that. So what are you doing down here?

Cat: I told you, we smelled the smoke. (he lays back on the carpet, staring at the ceiling) Man, I could sure go for a mouse, right now.

Audrey: What’s a ‘mouse?’ Oh, you mean an actual  mouse.

Cat: I wouldn’t even play with it. Just…down the hatch.

Rosie: We got kibbles.

Cat: I’ll take ’em.

(nobody moves)

(the joint goes around again)

Cat: This is a great song.

Rosie: Gotta hand it to humans…

Cat: And what have we got? Caterwauling.

(music) I’m not ready to face the light…

Rosie: We should order a pizza.

Cat: A mouse pizza.

(nobody moves)

(music) I had too much to dream last night. I had too much to dream…last night.

(to be continued)