Rosie Gets ‘Catfished’

Mitch: Tell me again why I’m taking your picture?

Rosie: It’s for my passport. Just shoot.

Mitch: Got it. What do you think?

Rosie: Sheesh, it looks like a mug shot.

Mitch: I’ve seen your mug shot. This is better. Why do you need a passport, anyway?

Rosie: Take another one. If you must know, I’ve met someone over the Internet, and he wants me to come and visit him.

Mitch: Where?

Rosie: In Sweden.  Take another picture.

Mitch: What’s the name of this Swedish hound?

Rosie: Bjorn Bjorgenbjorn.

Mitch: Bjorn…Borgen…?

Rosie: Bjorn Bjorgenbjorn!  He says it’s the most popular dog name in Sweden.

Mitch: I’m sure. Aw, hell. We can’t use this picture.

Rosie: Why not?

Mitch: I shot while you were talking. You’ve got your mouth open. Not that it isn’t an accurate representation of–

Rosie: Stop yourself! Shoot another one.

Mitch: What does this dog do?

Rosie: He’s a watchdog at the Vatican.

Mitch: Say again?

Rosie: I said, he’s a watchdog at the Vatican! He’s the ‘Premier Papal Pooch.’ He protects the Pope.

Mitch: You’re spitting all over me.

Rosie: And, he’s responsible for the ‘Papal Pooper Scooper.’

Mitch: Okay, hold on a second…

Rosie: It’s a very important responsibility, wouldn’t you agree?

Mitch: I know the Pope is old, but I’m pretty sure there’s no such thing as a ‘Papal Pooper Scooper.’

Rosie: Yes there is! Bjorn told me all about it!

Mitch: Have you ever talked to this dog over the phone, or is it all–

Rosie: He sent me a picture. See?

Mitch: Wow, that’s…that’s…too good to be true. But have you talked to him?

Rosie: E-mail and text. He can’t give me his phone number–it’s a State secret.

Mitch: Aw, jeez.

Rosie: The Vatican would have his hide if he gave out his number.

Mitch: Sweetheart, I love you, but…

Rosie: But what?

Mitch: I think you’re being played for a fool.

Rosie: No way. I’ve got my eyes wide open. Bjorn and I are–

Mitch: Really? Bjorn Bjorgenbjorn? I’m not sure that’s even Swedish! And I just Googled the most popular dog names in Sweden, and the top three are Molly, Wilma, and Ludde.

Rosie: ‘Ludde?’ are you sh**ting me?

Mitch: I think you’re corresponding with a ‘catfish.’ Do you know what that is?

Rosie: Somebody who poses as somebody else, just to mess with people?

Mitch: That’s right. I’m sorry, sweetie. Hey, now. C’mon…

Rosie: Oh my God…this explains so much…

Mitch: C’mon now…there’s plenty of…dogs in the…sea…or something.

Rosie: I’ve even been studying Swedish!

Mitch: Let me hear it.

Rosie: (through tears) Så vacker du är.

Mitch: That’s a lovely sentiment.

Rosie: You don’t even know what it means!

Mitch: I don’t need a translation. If you said that to me, it would melt my heart.

Rosie: It’s probably some cat!

Mitch: Here, have a Jerky Treat.

Rosie: They’re probably laughing at me right now.

Mitch: No one’s laughing at you. ‘With you’ maybe…

Rosie: Damn Internet.

Mitch: It sucks to be you.

Rosie: (Sigh) Damn cats…

Have Tights, Will Travel

Mitch: (on the phone) So there’s a free shuttle to the resort from the airport? Thanks. I think I’m all set. (hangs up)

Rosie: What’s with the travel reservations?

Mitch: I’m going to the Caribbean to teach yoga in March. It’s a program called ‘Fitness Pro Travel.’ They pair up Caribbean and Mexican resorts with fitness professionals. You stay at the resort for seven days, at very little cost, and teach two classes a day to guests. (http://fitnessprotravel.com/)

Rosie: You’re kidding me. Don’t they know your history?

Mitch: What history?

Rosie: It’s all you can do to teach a class at the studio, without having to ask your students “Did we already do this pose?” Or, “Have we done this on both sides?” Or, my personal favorite, “How the hell did we start this whole sequence?” Now you’re going to…?

Mitch: The Bahamas.

Rosie: The Bahamas to teach yoga to total strangers?

Mitch: Clearly, during those times in class when you appear to be sleeping…

Rosie: I’m awake and listening. And I don’t like what I hear.

Mitch: Sometimes I get confused.

Rosie: Uh-huh. And sometimes, The Pope gets Communion.

Mitch: I’ll have notes! I’ll write a list of all the poses we’re going to do, and keep it by my mat.

Rosie: How spontaneous!

Mitch: Well, what’s your solution?

Rosie: Take me with you. When I sense that you’re about to screw up, I’ll bark and alert you.

Mitch: You know, that might work. You have a finely tuned sense for these things. If you feel that I’m about to do something stupid, you can just bark.

Rosie: Exactly!

Mitch: Let’s practice…”Okay everyone, let’s come into ‘Boat With Oars.’ You know, this reminds me of a story…”

Rosie: Woof!

Mitch: Right, good one. Nobody wants a story while they’re in ‘Boat With Oars.’ Okay, let’s try again. “Let’s do that whole sequence on the other side, starting with…starting with…”

Rosie: Woof!

Mitch: Good! You picked right up on my confusion.

Rosie: This will be a snap. You’ve embarrassed yourself in yoga for the last time.

Mitch: Outstanding! You are such a smart dog!

Rosie: I do what I can.

Mitch: I’m so excited! I’m going to pack a few things for Nassau, right now. Have you seen my Levi’s cut-offs?

Rosie: Woof!!!

Mitch: Where’s my ‘I’m With Stupid’ t-shirt?

Rosie: Woof! Woof!

Mitch: Oh! This is the perfect time to break out my ‘Man Thong.’

Rosie: (Howls)