Holiday Pounds

(Rosie’s friend Felipe’ is over for a play date)

Rosie: I can’t believe how much weight I’ve gained over the Holidays.

Felipe’: Girl, I hear you. I ate some cat poop yesterday, and it went right to my hips!

Rosie: Yesterday, I just rolled on a dead squirrel, and I gained half a pound!

Felipe’: I’m so fat, that when the vet trimmed my nails, I had to take her word for it.

Rosie: Mitch says they’ll have to weigh me, using a Richter Scale.

Felipe’: Light bends around me.

Rosie: If I disappeared, they’d have to use all four sides of the milk carton for my picture.

Felipe’: I have to put on my collar using a boomerang.

Rosie: My shadow weighs 50 pounds.

Felipe’: When I talk to myself, it’s a long-distance call.

Rosie: The last time we went to the zoo, the elephant threw me a peanut!

Felipe’: Have we made our point?

Rosie: I think we’re done, here.

Felipe’: What about ‘Mr. Skinny?’

Rosie: Mitch? It’s affecting him, too. He’s gained 10 pounds since he came back from Thailand. He’s afraid he’ll outgrow his clothes.

Felipe’: With his wardrobe, that could be a net plus.

Rosie: I think I need to get on a program.

Felipe’: Wasn’t Mitch on some kind of home fitness program?

Rosie: He was doing P90X. He called it his ‘testosterone booster shot.’

Felipe’: How’d that work out for him?

Rosie: He’s now on the testosterone transplant waiting list.

Felipe’: People are so messed up.

Rosie: I think I just need to chase a cat, or something.

Felipe’: Or something.

Rosie: Need to build my strength for that, I think.

Felipe”: Agreed. Let’s eat first.

Rosie: I’m right there with you.

Felipe’: Happy New Year, sweetie.

Rosie: And a Happy New Year, to all.